Coming Through, Not Uninjured
by xforeverquotex
Summary: *SPOILERS* *Post ME3* The Reaper War is over and Jane Shepard has come out not only a hero but alive. The war has left it's mark both physically and emotionally, and Kaidan is by her side, but doesn't exactly know what to do. Both of them have made it through the war but will they be able to heal what has been broken? Or will they both go separate ways, thinking its for the best.
1. Through the Pain

**Author's Note: This is post ME3 and for background: My femshep is the default Jane Shepard, she is from Mindoir, a sole survivor, and romanced Kaidan through all three games. Bioware owns all, and mistakes are purely my own, no Beta. I hope you love reading the story and as always review and offer any insight you might have!**

Jane gasped in pain as she took here final steps of physical therapy. She had been living in the hospital for about a month getting multiple surgeries on every part of her body. Modern medicine may be almost like magic, but nothing could fix the large piece of thigh muscle now missing from her thigh.

"You still with me Jane?" the enthusiastic nurse asked her. Jane couldn't stand the nurse. The nurse was always saying how there is only 'one more step' that Jane needed to take or how fast Jane was progressing.

"Yeah, we're finally done with this therapy now? I was told that it would take two months of rigorous physical therapy and I would be released from the hospital." Jane said as she rubbed her still recovering leg. The exhaustion from the therapy was visible as hair plastered her face from sweat, and that Jane leaned heavily on her non-injured leg.

"Oh! Yes! I guess this is your last day!" the nurse said clapping her hands excitedly as if talking to a little kid. Jane fisted her hands and prodded the nurse further.

"Is there anything I need to sign or anyone I need to see about getting released…" Jane prompted for the nurse to fill her in on the information.

"Well just sign the form at the front desk, you can gather your things from your room, make an appointment for a check up in about a month or so, and… Oh! You will need someone to bring you home and watch you for a day as you will be off some of the medications the hospital was giving you and we want to make sure there will be no side effects that are life threatening…" the nurse continued to prattle on. Jane started to worry about where she would go. She didn't prepare a place to live after the hospital; she was just caught up with the physical therapy, and trying to coordinate things to help the war clean up, and Kaidan… Jane's mind came to a halt at the thought of him. Kaidan's been there through her whole recovery process, leaving only when Alliance HQ absolutely needed him. They never talked about what they were, or where they stood after Jane pushed him into the Normandy before the final push to the beam.

_She ran with Kaidan's arm slung behind her shoulders towards the Normandy. The hatch to the shuttle bay opened and she shifted to allow James to move Kaidan onto the ship._

"_Shepard…" Kaidan weakly called to her._

"_You got to get out of here." She replied back as she started to back away._

"_Yeah, that's not going to happen." Kaidan said as he moved to try and stand on his own._

"_Don't argue with my Kaidan," she said with pain in her eyes._

"_Don't leave me behind," he pleaded with her, searching her eyes, hoping for her to take him with her. She froze and stared at Kaidan before stepping forward towards him._

"_No matter what happens…I will love you…always…" She said, as she caressed his face and memorized it, knowing it would most likely be the last time she saw him._

"_I love you too… be careful." He said, reaching out an arm to grasp for her. She stepped out of his reach and barked out her last order to her crew:_

"_GO!" she screamed as the reapers beam screeched behind her._

Jane relived the memory of the final push in her mind as the nurse rolled her in a wheelchair into her room. Once the nurse left, Jane took a shower and began packing the few items she had accumulated during her hospital stay. As soon as everything was collected, she headed out of the room without looking back and remembering the pain of the last month. Walking unaided was near damn impossible when muscle about the size of a fist was missing from your leg, but Jane refused to walk out of this place looking weak. She was Commander Shepard for crying out loud! Jane made it over to the front desk, signed the release papers and was about to be free of the hospital when the front desk manager asked her a question.

"And will a family member be picking you up and monitoring you for a day?" the young girl asked with a bored tone. Jane's head snapped up and fire shined in her eyes.

"My family was slaughtered on Mindoir and millions of other families were just killed in this war we happened to just have. So smarten up and don't ask such idiotic questions." Jane said with venom packed in each word. The girl stared up at her with fear and shock written on her face. Before the girl could utter out an apology, Jane turned and limped away to the front door of the hospital. Taking two steps out the door and Jane was already falling after hitting a solid object.

"Whoa there." Kaidan said as he reached out a hand and caught Jane from falling. He smiled at her with her favorite lopsided smile.

"I swear to Go—Kaidan? What are you doing here?" Jane asked confused. She was even more confused as she saw fury pass across Kaidan's face.

"Why are you walking with out an aid or your cane?" Kaidan demanded, not answering Jane's first question. Kaidan's tone caused Jane's adrenaline to spike and caused her 'commander mask' to come on.

"Because I don't need to look weak when the world is practically still in ruins. I refuse to let the war ruin me." Jane said as she attempted to walk past Kaidan. With a frustrated growl Kaidan grabbed Jane's arm, spun her around, and picked her up bridal style. Kaidan marched towards a waiting skycar despite Jane's persistent objections and hitting. Kaidan put her in the passenger seat, closed the door, and walked around the other side. Once Kaidan was driving the car, Jane couldn't help her rash self.

"Once again, where the hell are we going?!" Jane said.

"Our house." Kaidan said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Jane instantly fell silent, and her heart started to race. _Our house? Did he mean to say that? No, he probably just wants to be nice to the scarred up war veteran, _Jane thought to herself. She didn't even notice when the skycar landed in Vancouver and Kaidan opened her door, revealing a country home in front of the English Bay. The view of the house was the final reminder she needed that the war was over, and she had survived. The words that echoed through Jane's mind as she took in her new home was Anderson's words: _You did good child._ Emotions came rushing through her at the thought of Anderson, but she grasped Kaidan's hand and said,

"What? No white picket fence?"

**Future Chapters to Come**


	2. Here's to the Future

**Author's Note: Thanks to everyone that started reading my new story. I hope you guys will comment on some ideas for future chapters to keep me writing. As always, Bioware owns all. Sorry this chapter is so fluffy, the next one is going to have A LOT more adventure. **

Kaidan grabbed his duffel bag and Jane's in one hand, while using his other hand to support Jane as they both made their way to their future. The house made Jane speechless. It was a large two story house, not including the basement, completely made of wood, and with a dark brown roof. Around back, a balcony from the second floor over looked the English bay that was in walking distance from the house. Kaidan led Jane inside and into the living room.

"I'm going to put the bags upstairs in the bedroom," Kaidan said, kissing her on the cheek as he headed out of the room. Jane looked around the room and the only word she could think of was homey. The whole house was inviting and warm, hell, it was a lot more like Kaidan than like her. _I'm rash, probably a little impatient, and can hit a head shot from miles away; that's not even in the same ball park as "homey,"_ Jane thought to herself. She fidgeted with her hands nervously, for once being anxious at what to do with sharing a house with Kaidan. A house was a whole lot bigger than a small loft on a ship! Jane was so lost in thought that she didn't hear Kaidan come back down the stairs. He placed his hands over hers, snapping Jane out of her state of worry.

"Hey, you okay?" Kaidan asked with worry in his eyes. "Is it your leg? Does it hurt?" He continued to prod.

"I'm fine, just thinking of the future." Jane said, divulging a very small amount of the truth. _What was I going to tell him? That he's crazy for thinking that we will work out, nevertheless live together?_ She thought.

"Yeah, things have been crazy even after the war ended. Help me out Shepard, where are we? The lines are a little blurred. You seem to be pushing away, and I don't want it to seem like you have to live here…" Kaidan said, about to continue when Jane clamped her hands over his mouth.

"You. Are. So. Stupid." Was all that Jane said as Kaidan's forehead scrunched up in confusion. He reached up and removed her small hands from his mouth.

"What are you talkin –" Kaidan started, but this time Jane used her good leg to hit a weak point in his knee, causing them to topple backwards on the couch. Jane straddled his waist and grabbed his own hands, placing them over his mouth.

"I will always want you Kaidan. Nothing will ever change that. Even after horizon, you rejoining the crew, and the multiple other times you questioned my loyalty to the Alliance, I still kept your picture on my desk. Anderson once asked me, when I was a ruthless and reckless recruit, what I was fighting for. At that time, I didn't have anything to fight for. Anderson was the closest to family I had after he saved me from the slaver attack on Mindoir, but he knew that himself alone wasn't enough to make me care if I lived or died. But right before his death, we talked about the future. Anderson said I… I would make a good mom." Jane said, pausing to try and keep her emotions in check. Tears threatened to surface at the mention of Anderson. "After his comment about me being a parent, he asked me the same question a second time, but a little differently. He asked if I had someone to _live_ for? You flashed across my mind at that moment, and I told Anderson that I did have someone." Jane said with a weak smile. Kaidan's hands moved to pull her down into his side facing him.

"You love me," was the only reply Kaidan had to her little speech, as he caressed the sides of her face. Jane gave an exasperated laugh.

"That's _all_ you got from that? That I just simply love you?" Jane asked incredulously.

"That you love me a lot?" Kaidan teased. Jane sat up and hit him in the face with the couch pillow. He seized the weapon and used the distraction to flip Jane onto her back in one swift move. "You are impossibly complex, insecure, never want to open up, seem to think your invisible, and think you're always in charge." Kaidan started.

"Hey, I AM the boss!" Jane objected.

"Did I mention your argumentative, rash, and always play everything off like no big deal…"

"If you wanted to mention all of my flaws, I could've saved you the trouble, you ass." Jane said frowning, as she tried to squirm out from under Kaidan's body and weight. He captured both of her small hands with one of his own, and with his other hand Kaidan tilted her head up to look him in the eyes.

"But you some how you captured my heart and interest. All those so called 'flaws' add to your character. I love you, and I always will until the end of time." Kaidan said as he released her hands and kissed her fiercely on the lips. Both of them fought for dominance and a way to deepen the kiss, neither able to get enough of each other.

"Marry me," Kaidan exhaled as they came up for air. Jane almost didn't hear the question but looked at him and answered confidently.

"You're so screwed if I say yes." Jane said. Kaidan laughed knowing that there might be some bumps in the road with her renegade personality and his serene one, but he was willing to do anything to call Jane his wife forever.

"And if you want to look at this like a battle field, the answer 'no' isn't the smart choice commander." Kaidan shot back.

"I would never dream of making a dumb choice Major, sir." Jane played along. Kaidan helped Jane off the couch and pulled her into him a little too close like on the first Normandy. He leaned in to kiss her, waiting to feel her soft lips on his, but a knock rang through the house. Kaidan groaned and only had one thing to say.

"If that is Joker, I swear I will break every bone in his body for his _impeccable _timing."


	3. Timing is Everything

Jane laughed at Kaidan's obvious aggravation for being interrupted by a knock at the door. She started to make her way towards the door, but Kaidan instead put her back on the couch with her injured leg propped up on a pillow, and went to answer the door himself. Even from down the hall Jane instantly knew who was at the door with his signature nickname calling.

"Hey Major, where's Lola? We wanted to see how the superhero was fitting in with her new domestic lifestyle." James Vega's voice boomed through the house, even though he was still at the front door.

"Umm, she's in the living room. What are you-," Kaidan said when he was interrupted.

"Sorry for dropping in like this, I think James just wanted to tell Shepard the news about his N7 training." Steve Cortez apologized, as he also stepped into the house and headed down the hall after James. When Kaidan returned back to the living room Jane was still laying on the couch in her N7 sweat and tank top, with her leg propped up, Steve was in a recliner, and James was standing in front of Jane animatedly telling her his news.

"Lola, everything is crazy. Ever since the chain of command had been reestablished again after the war, they started the N7 program up again and readdressed my application. With me serving under you and getting a personal recommendation from you, they said they would make me a N7 if I could complete the final tests of training! The tests are next week. It's going to be loco!" James said practically bouncing with excitement. Kaidan watched Jane during the whole exchange and even though she was smiling, he still noticed the way she rubbed her leg and that her face was slightly pale.

"You earned to have a N7 badge next to your name Vega. And besides, with me as your coach, how could have you failed?" Jane said as she smirked.

"Yeah, yeah Lola. I owe you a lot. Hell, the galaxy owes you everything. We were going to bring you flowers but I told Cortez that you didn't do that prissy stuff. So we got you the best thing in the world, practically impossible to get, but we got it because we are so amazing and you should thanks us…" James kept going on and boosting his ego.

"Get to the point James," Steve scolded. Instead of James saying anything else, he reached into the grocery bag he was carrying and pulled out a huge tub of ice cream. Jane's eyes went wide as if James just held the cure to the world's problems in his hands.

"Did I mention that you're my best N7 recruit I've ever coached?" Jane said as she reached for the huge tub of ice cream.

"I'm the only N7 recruit that you've ever trained… and you didn't really choose to train me, the war forced you to take me with you and learn." James argued.

"Details, details. Nothing matters except the fact that you brought the savior of the galaxy ice cream. You know the way to my heart Vega…" Jane said flirtatiously and laughed when Kaidan came to sit on the side arm of the couch between her and James.

"No need to start a fight Major, we're leaving now. Estaban needs to fly me back to prepare this gorgeous body to be N7 material." James said, grinning from ear to ear. Both James and Steve headed out the front door, got into the skycar, and flew away. Kaidan came back from showing the two boys out and found that Jane was no longer in the living room. There was banging from the kitchen. Kaidan walked into the kitchen to find Jane sitting on the floor against the cabinets, with a mountain of ice cream in a bowl, and a spoon that was almost bigger than her own mouth.

"Do you have something against eating at the table?" Kaidan teased as he approached the ice cream.

"Climbing on top of a chair with my bad leg was too much effort. The floor was much closer." Jane replied as she stuck a spoonful of ice cream in her mouth and moaned. Kaidan slid down next to her and went to reach for the spoon in the ice cream bowl. Jane snatched the bowl out of his reach before he could touch the spoon.

"Don't even think about it or you'll be sleeping on the couch." Jane teased as she stifled a yawn.

"And if you don't put away the sugar you will never be able to go to sleep." Kaidan scolded as Jane rested her head on his shoulder. Reluctantly Jane handed over the sugary treat to Kaidan, he placed it in the freezer, and helped Jane up.

"Isn't weird to go to bed and not have to plan how to cure the genophage? Nor get the turians and krogan to work together?" Kaidan said as they walked to the stairs.

"I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. The way I look at it, this is just shore leave. Knowing my luck, there is a baby reaper waiting in deep space to attack." Jane said as she went walk up the first step. On about the fifth step, her leg gave out; causing her to gasp in pain a she fell on the step. Kaidan rushed to help her.

"I'm fine! I can do it myself." Jane said, nearly snarling. She picked herself up and stubbornly walked the rest of the stairs. By the time she reached the top, she was drenched in sweat and her leg was throbbing. She leaned against the wall to support herself, and then looked up at Kaidan. Looking at Kaidan was a mistake. His cool demeanor was nowhere to be found, but instead his eyes showed anger and frustration. The whiskey colored eyes usually filled with love and gentleness, were filled with fueled anger. Jane refused to let his disapproval get to her. She was automatically rubbing her sore leg and was about to continue the walk down the hall to the bedroom, but Kaidan intervened. He threw her over his shoulder as if she was nothing but a ragdoll and marched down the hallway.

"Put me down!" Jane furiously screamed as she pounded with her fists on his back.

"Oh you want to go down?" Kaidan said maliciously and threw her down on the bed. He started pacing in front of her.

"What the hell is your problem?" Jane said as she sat up on the bed.

"What is my problem? Maybe it's the fact that you push yourself too far without considering the consequences? You did your mandatory physical therapy at the hospital in record time, and had the fastest recovery ever recorded! But yet, you push things to the extreme like trying to walk up a whole flight of stairs! You probably pushed back your therapy by weeks!" Kaidan ranted as he continued to pace. There was no answer from Jane on the bed. "Oh, so now you don't have anything to say?" Kaidan fired as he turned to face Jane. Jane had her hand firmly placed against her thigh and when she looked up, she was pale.

"Yeah, I'm guessing walking up those stairs hurt quite a bit," Kaidan muttered as he went to look at her leg. When he moved her small hand away, that's when he saw the blood seeping through the pant leg at a steady rate. _What the hell…_ Kaidan thought. He quickly rolled up her N7 sweat pants to see that her leg was practically torn open, and she was losing blood fast. They were low on medi-gel after the war so they had to stitch her leg up manually; the stitches must have torn. _Think… think… just like on the battlefield, come on, _Kaidan thought to himself as he applied pressure to the bleeding.

"Here, hold pressure on this while I go get medi-gel," Kaidan said to Jane, but when he looked up at her, her eyes were lolling back into her head and she passed out. It was like ice was being shot into Kaidan's veins. He ran to the cabinet in the adjoining bathroom and grabbed the tube on medi-gel. He ran back to Jane and rubbed most of the bottle on the wound, causing the bleeding to slow considerably, but the wound was still open and exposed. He had to improvise. He cut off circulation from the rest of her leg by using a makeshift tourniquet from items in the bathroom. Then, Kaidan sterilized a needle, found thread in a standard med-kit, and stitched up the wound.

Kaidan released the breath he felt he had been holding the whole time tending to Jane. He pulled up an application on his omni-tool. _I've never been so greatful I'm a sentinel, _he thought as he pulled up a medical app he was given in the Alliance. He checked her vitals, and she was stable. Kaidan undressed the pale woman before him, changing her out of the bloody clothes and removing the tourniquet. He then lifter her up, stripped the top bloody covers off the bed, and placed her under the crisp clean sheets beneath. Kaidan stripped off his shirt and pants, wearing only his boxers, and laid beside her. _Her stubbornness and her thinking that she isn't good enough to be worthy of love nor praise, will be the death of her, _Kaidan thought as he watched the slow rise and fall of Jane's chest as she slept. _She never did give me a straight answer to the question of if she would marry me. She's avoided everything since the war ended: she's ignored the calls from Hackett, won't face her disability, won't admit how hard it is to settle down, and refuses to accept help. And now, she won't even admit that someone could lover her enough to spend the rest of their life with her, _Kaidan pondered. She's banged up. Mentally and emotionally, literally and metaphorically, but every day she walks outside with a smile on her face, because that's who she is. She's Commander Jane Shepard, the women who thought that it was the duty of the strong like herself to protect the weak. And Kaidan wished that he would also be able to tack onto her character the title of 'wife.'


	4. Recovery

It was happening again. She was dreaming about the deaths that were caused by her hand. _She ran through the forest in a lethargic trance glancing at the shadowy figures that surrounded her. "Shepard," one called from her left. The voice belonged to Ashley Williams, gunnery chief who sacrificed her life on Virmire in the fight against Saren. As she ran further into the forest, Legion called out saying, "Shepard Commander, help us." Even synthetic life looked to her for help and she failed them. The ground and forest disappeared and she was now floating in darkness. Space. She was floating in space, the stars twinkling around her. She held her breath as long as possible, trying to avoid the inevitable, as she continued to listen to the slow leak of her suit. She released the breath and automatically started to gasp, her lungs feeling like sandpaper…_

Jane woke up from the nightmare clawing at her neck and gasping for air, causing her heart to beat wildly in her chest. She reached for Kaidan on the other side of the bed out of habit, only to find his spot cold and empty. Panic flooded her as her adrenaline continued to spike from anxiety and fear.

"Kaidan?" Jane said looking around the room. She went to stand up from the bed, but as soon as her foot touched the ground, pain shot through her leg. Jane hopped on one foot to their closet, and grabbed the cane she hated so much. She headed downstairs to see if Kaidan was in the kitchen, or maybe on the porch. As she reached the bottom of the stairs, there was a sticky note left stuck to the wall.

_Hey,_

_Had to head to London on a transport shuttle, Alliance HQ called in, needed a spectre that was actually returning their calls. I'm sure your leg hurts like hell, pain killers are on the kitchen table._

_Love you always,_

_-Kaidan_

Jane sighed in frustration. She knew she had no right to be angry at Kaidan, she was only angry at herself. It was her own fault that she didn't respond back to Hackett's email because she was afraid of what he would say about her disability. Jane was disgusted that she had to walk with a cane after everything she had survived through before. There had to be a way to fix it. If Cerberus could bring her back from the dead, than someone could damn well fix her leg. Jane picked up the phone.

"Hey Miranda, I need your help," Jane said into the phone.

**Meanwhile, at Alliance HQ**

Kaidan massaged his temples as he exited his meeting with the Admiral board, well, what was left of it. The chain of command was finally starting to come together, but numbers in the military were still low even a couple months after the war. Of course the Admirals wanted to pin a medal to everyone's chest and give them all promotions, but what did it matter anymore? He just wanted to settle down with Shepard, but convincing Jane to give up her career in the military was like asking her to cut of her left arm. Unaware of what he was doing, Kaidan automatically headed towards a bar down the street in full dress blues. God he needed a glass of good whiskey more than anything else right now. He sat down at the bar, ordered a glass of whiskey, and pulled out a small, black, velvet box from his pocket. He flipped the box open and stared at the engagement ring inside. It was the ring his dad gave to his mom, and the ring he hoped to put on Jane's finger. Kaidan's omni-tool rang, telling him he had an incoming call.

"Hello?" Kaidan answered

"Hi, Mr. Alenko? This is Vancouver Medical Hospital calling. We just wanted to update you and tell you that your wife's surgery went great, we don't know if it worked yet, but she should be waking up in a few hours." A peppy female voice replied.

"I think you might have the wrong number, I'm not married, and my girlfriend wasn't supposed to have surgery today." Kaidan said definitively. His heart was racing at the off chance that it was Jane who had surgery.

"I'm sorry, it was my mistake calling her your wife. But the patient name is Jane Alenko… She was operated on by a Miss Miranda Lawson. Miss Lawson is an excellent doctor and has been helping out greatly at all different hospitals after the war," The lady continued on.

"I'll be there soon," Kaidan said barely above a whisper. He swore his heart was beating out of his chest as he threw money on the bar counter and sprinted to get a taxi back to Vancouver. _Why wouldn't she tell me she was getting surgery? She wouldn't have scheduled surgery just because of the incident yesterday, for she wouldn't want to appear weak, _Kaidna thought to himself as he finally flagged down a transport taxi to take him to Vancouver.

"Get me to Vancouver Medical Hospital and step on it. Spectre business." Kaidan practically yelled at the driver, showing him that he was in fact a spectre with his ID. The taxi lurched forward and Kaidan began counting down the minutes until he would arrive at the hospital.

It took three hours for Kaidan to arrive back in Vancouver and make it to the hospital. He sprinted as fast as he could through the halls to the nurse's station.

"I'm looking for Jane Shep—I mean, Jane Alenko. I'm Major Kaidan Alenko."

"One moment please sir," The nurse said as she scrolled through the computer searching for the name. As soon as the nurse uttered out the room number, Kaidan was off running again towards her. When he reached her room, his heart started to return to normal. At least he could see her now, even if she was lying asleep on a hospital bed. He knew that she was alive. Kaidan sat down beside the bed holding her hand, wondering what the surgery was for, and why Miranda Lawson performed it. He squeezed Jane's hand and jolted in surprise when he got a soft squeeze back. Kaidan searched her face and saw as her eyes slowly opened.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Jane's voice crackled out. Kaidan handed her a cup of water from the bedside table.

"The better question is what the hell is going on?" Kaidan said. Jane could hear the worry and frustration in his voice.

"I called Miranda and asked her to do repairs on my leg so I can walk again unaided. She knows my cybernetics better than anyone. I knew the risk, but after I woke up the first time, Miranda told me that the surgery was a success." Jane said smiling. Kaidan was shocked, but still had bits of anger not yet resolved.

"And why didn't you tell me about the surgery? I thought you were in trouble when I got a call from the hospital telling me that my "wife" was just out of surgery! And when did you decide to use my last name?" Kaidan fired off each question.

"If I told you about the surgery, you would have asked if there were risks. The risks with doing the surgery were pretty high and gruesome, and I knew you would stop me from coming to the hospital. And second, if I came and logged my name under 'Jane Shepard,' I would have every tabloid in the galaxy swarming the hospital right now." Jane said. She looked at Kaidan when she spoke her final sentence and saw hurt pass over his face.

"You never did give me an answer," Kaidan said quietly. Jane's head scrunched up as she tried to think of what he was talking about. "…about marrying me." Kaidan clarified. Jane didn't know how to explain herself.

"I was broken. Why would you want someone who can barely walk ten steps without shooting paining causing her to need to sit down? Why would you want to marry someone that most likely can't even conceive you a baby because of the trauma that I've endured? I push you away Kaidan, and you keep coming back like a wounded animal! Why don't you move on? Try with that doctor you dated while I was dead!" Jane ranted as she tried to hold her tears back. Kaidan was speechless at the confession she made, and flinched as she brought up her death.

"Your disabilities don't define you. The Commander Shepard I knew was strong, rash, confident and didn't question herself as much as you have been lately. You can barely look in the mirror without disgust, and I want to know why. You saved the galaxy from the Reapers. Wouldn't you come out stronger after surviving that?" Kaidan asked, holding one of her small hands in two of his own.

"I'm a killer! Not a savior!" Jane shouted in his face and tried to yank her hand away but with no luck.

"What are you talking about?" Kaidan demanded.

"To supposedly 'save' the galaxy I had to murder synthetic life! I took away the love of my best friend! Joker hasn't talked to me since the war ended! I ruin peoples' lives. I take the small things that they love and I crush it until it doesn't exist anymore." Jane yelled, the built up tears from anger, sadness, and frustration, finally breaking free. Kaidan instantly beat himself up for pushing Jane to the point of tears. She never cried; not even when Thane nor Anderson died did Jane shed a tear. Kaidan pushed the long red hair out of Jane's face.

"And we can recover the synthetic life that has been lost. Tali is working on both re-enabling the geth and restoring EDI to her full former glory. You had impossible choices and circumstances, and yet you still picked the right choice." Kaidan consoled. Jane moved over and allowed Kaidan to lye next to her on the bed. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close into his side.

"The war is over. We will get through the nightmares and the injuries. But I just need you to answer one question, once and for all. It's either a yes or no, nothing else." Kaidan said, his tone serious but gentle.

"What?" Jane asked with her eyes closed as she took in the smell and feel of Kaidan.

"Will you marry me? Will you become Jane Alenko legally?" Kaidan said as he reached into his dress blues and pulled out the ring he had been playing with in the bar.

"Yes," Jane said smiling as Kaidan slid the ring onto her finger, where it would stay until their wedding day.

"I love you," Jane said once Kaidan had rested her hand back down on the bed. It was the precious moments when her commander mask had fallen, and she was just 'Jane' that Kaidan enjoyed the most.

"And I love you, till the end of time." Kaidan said back. He heard the doors open behind them, but both of them ignored

**Author's Note: Sorry for such a late update to those who are following the story. I've been blocked on which way to take the story, and a little stuck on ideas. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated either inboxed to me or even in a review. I will try to update sooner, i know it drives me crazy when some stories I follow don't update for quite a few days! Thanks for reading!**


	5. Civilian

**A few months after Jane's release from the hospital...**

Everything was starting to get back to normal. The clean up of the destruction of the war was progressing rapidly, and the Alliance chain of command was fully in place again. Jane was staring out the window of Admiral Hackett's office. She decided on a whim to travel to Alliance headquarters to finally talk to Hackett about where she stood as an Alliance officer. When she arrived, Hackett was in a meeting and Jane waited in his office for him to return. There were murmurs on the other side of the doors of the office.

"The biotics division is up and running, they are helping with the clean up. Alenko authorized the purchase of new amps for student's whose amps were damaged during the war." Hackett's gruff voice said as he opened the door. Looking at the file in his hands, he closed the door behind him and walked towards his desk without looking up.

"Now what if I was a leftover Cerberus Assassin?" Jane asked from across the room. Hackett spun around with his pistol wielded and aimed directly between Jane's eyes.

"Shepard?" Hackett asked surprised.

"In the flesh. Now put your gun down, I'm here to talk peacefully sir." Jane said as she walked over to sit in the chair in front of his desk.

"I called you months ago asking you to take a permanent medical leave from the Alliance because there is no way you will be in the field with a bum leg. And-" Hackett stopped himself and sat at his desk in front of Jane.

"How are you not limping?" Hackett asked.

"I received a medical procedure from Miranda Lawson, which fixed the destroyed muscle in my leg. I also am here to ask that I'm placed back in action sir. I am fit for duty." Jane responded professionally.

"That's a bunch of bull shit." Hackett spat out.

"Sir?" Jane said back, stunned at his outburst.

"I've known you since Anderson rescued you from Mindior. The shit you've been through would have mentally torn apart any other soldier. You are mentally not fit for duty, I am sure of that." Hackett said with a state pinning Jane down. She refused to be backed in a corner.

"I believe a psych doctor is more qualified to make that decision than you." Jane said, dropping all formalities. She remembered her first meeting with Hackett.

_It was years after Anderson saved her from Mindoir. He had become the closest thing she had to a father, and he watched over her like a daughter. But she was finally eighteen and joined up with the Alliance. Right away Jane's talent with weapons and leadership skills could be seen by the sergeants. She was recommended for the N7 program. Admiral Hackett and Anderson dropped by the recruit facility to watch a simulation drill with Jane in it. Jane was put in an arena and was tasked to kill whatever enemies were placed in her way. The simulation went on for hours and Jane never faltered; it was like she was running on batteries that never died. Hackett himself called for the simulation to end, impressed with what he had seen. Jane came out of the arena hardly able to stand anymore because she was so tired. She was looking forward going back to her bunk and sleep, but was ordered by Anderson to talk with Admiral Hackett privately. _

_"Jane Shepard, come on in," Hackett said as he opened the door to an office like space. Jane stood at attention as Hackett came to stand in front of her. He went on to talk about her potential and skill and that she was going to be moved to a special facility for N training. But Jane couldn't concentrate on the sentences coming out of his mouth. One minute Hackett was explaining the difficulty of the N program, and the next minute Jane's head connected with the hard floor as she passed out from exhaustion. _

_Jane started to come back around into consciousness and heard voices arguing in hushed tones._

"_I told you to stop the simulation. You were pushing her further than any other soldier, to the point where it could have seriously hurt her." Anderson said with fury in his voice. _

"_She has something special, there is no denying that. I left her in the simulator for the same amount of hours that she was on Mindoir during the slavers attack." Hackett said. The response wasn't what Anderson was looking for though and grabbed Hackett by the collar of his dress blues._

"_Steven, we've been friends for a long time, but if you fucking jeopardize her well being, either physically or mentally, I will make your life a living hell." Anderson threatened, trying to slow his breathing down. Jane didn't want the scenario to escalate any further and so she stirred in the cot she was laying on. Anderson immediately made his way to her side, and Hackett followed behind. _

"_Jane," Anderson greeted in a fatherly tone, concern shining in his eyes. _

"_I'm fine, get me out of here." Jane said as she sat up and made a move out of the bed._

"_Welcome to the N program Shepard," Hackett said, squeezing her shoulder before walking out. _

Shepard snapped out of the memory and continued to attack Hackett.

"Don't try to step in and take over as Anderson. I am mentally fit, physically fit, and am ready to get back to duty. I'll report in tomorrow to pick up my assignments." Jane said as she stood up to leave.

"You know, Anderson told me." Hackett yelled out. Jane stopped and turned around to indulge him.

"And what did he supposedly tell you?" Jane said, ready to mock whatever Hackett was about to say.

"He told me how you were after Mindoir, and Akzuze. Those scars on your wrists are not from your time in the service fighting, but those scars are from fighting with yourself. I know that you used to cut yourself." Hackett said softly. Jane's eyes blazed with fury as she strode towards Hackett.

"You don't know anything!" she spat out

"You have constantly been putting me through suicide missions! You didn't help me when Cerberus rebuilt me, you ignored my mission to take on the collectors, you sent me on a mission that ended in the mass murder of bartarians, AND you kept me grounded under lock and key for months, for a decision I made on a mission you sent me on!" Jane was nearly hysterical now, her whole body shaking with rage.

"Commander Jane Shepard, from this point on you are on leave from the Alliance. Your rank upon leave has been promoted to a first ranked Admiral. If you do wish to rejoin the Alliance, you will be placed on inactive duty, and you will not renter the field of combat under the Alliance." Admiral Hackett stated with force. _Well hell, if I'm going to go out, better do it up. Go big or go home, _Jane thought to herself. Jane snapped a salute to Admiral Hackett and said her parting words.

"Go fuck yourself sir." Jane seethed as she walked out of the office.

"Jane! I did not dismiss you!" Hackett calle as the doors shut behind Jane. Jane jumped in a taxi skycar and headed back to Vancouver. She opened a message chat with Kaidan

JS 15:06 - Just finished talking to Hackett, have to do a few things. The Alliance is done with me.

KA 15:07 - What happened Jane?

KA 14:17 - Whatever your doing, make sure it's not stupid. Your leg may be fixed, but you don't want another injury.

Jane read the final message from Kaidan on her omni tool. "Don't do anything stupid" Kaidan said. Jane laughed at the comment and called up Jack.

"What?" Jack answered the hail.

"Meet me outside of London at that old bar you used to hang out in." Jane said.

"I'm a little busy Shepard, one sec" Jack said. Jane could hear a voice in the background talking to her.

"I'll be there in thirty minutes, and I have a plus-one." Jack said before ending the call. It was going to be one hell of a night Shepard thought to herself.


	6. The Moments That Haunt Us

**Author's Note: Sorry for the last chapter being so short, this one will be longer and will get the ball rolling again. Thanks to those who are following the story and a great big thanks to those readers who leave their comments. Hope you like this chapter! **

"Another round," Jane said to the bartender as she sipped on her seventh margarita. Jack came to drink with Shepard and was moderating her drinking more than Jane. But what surprised Jane when Jack arrived at the bar, was that James Vega got out of the skycar with Jack.

"You went on a DATE with him!" Shepard exclaimed a little louder than necessary when James went to go play in a poker game in the far corner of the club.

"Shut up you idiot! You run your mouth faster and louder than the Cerberus cheerleader when you're a little tipsy! You really can't hold your liquor, can you?" Jack said.

"Is it so bad to be just drunk and happy? I officially have no more worries, I minus well have died on the Citadel. If I died on the Citadel, then my life would have meant something. The life I'm living currently is practically meaningless." Jane got out before glancing at her beeping omni-tool. There were eight missed messages, all from Kaidan and Hackett. Jane stood up, removed her omni-tool, and before Jack could stop her, she threw it into a pitcher of beer. James got up from the poker game.

"Alrighty Lola, I think you've had enough for one night." James said as Jane stumbled around a chair. James grabbed her from behind her legs and threw her over his shoulder.

"Aw Jimmy, what a pretty ass you have. If only I were young still… Maybe you would have a chance with me…" Jane said before she burst out laughing.

"Damn, I've never seen the Commander smashed. She was always the one dragging our asses back to the Normandy." James said to Jack.

"Glad we don't have to deal with her once we bring her back to Vancouver," Jack said as she opened the skycar to allow James to lay Shepard down in the back seats.

"Think the Major will be mad at us?" James asked.

"Well shit. Better not give him the chance to, we drop her, ring the doorbell and go." Jack said. Jane was too lost in her drunken bliss to even worry about what was waiting for her at home.

In two hours, Jack and James had successfully made it back to Vancouver to drop of the drunk Shepard. James carried her up the pathway to the door and rang the doorbell. He set Jane on her feet only when the door started to open.

"Where the hell have you been?" Kaidan said staring at Jane.

"Lola is a little bit out of her mind right now… Hate to leave her like this but, I was sort of on a date. Later man, and good freakin luck." James said before jogging back to the skycar Jack was waiting in.

"Kaidan! When did you get here? Did you sat hello to James? And guess what! Jack ACTUALLY owns a shirt! I'm not kidding! She wore an actual shirt!" Jane sputtered out as she stumbled towards Kaidan.

"Your drunk? You never get drunk. You hardly even drink!" Kaidan said in disbelief as he reached out and grabbed Jane's elbow to steady her.

"Not drunk… numb… a little numbed." Jane mumbled as she yawned and tried to make her way inside, leaning on Kaidan. Kaidan helped her into the house, up the stairs, and into their bedroom. He sat her down on the bed and helped her remove her clothes until she was just in her underwear. He lifted up the covers over Jane and before he could lean back and walk away, Jane grabbed him by his hand and tugged him down towards her, kissing him fiercely.

"Jane…" Kaidan hesitated trying to move her hands away from his face.

"Comee on, please? Let's have a baby. You and I. If were going to be regular people, lets do it." Jane said as she tried again to kiss Kaidan. Kaidan was in shock that Jane would even suggest kids.

"If you still want one in the morning, than we will. We'll try." Kaidan promised, kissing her on the head. Jane grabbed his hand and asked one more question.

"Promise me something?" Jane asked as she fought against her closing eyelids.

"What?"

"Promise that our kid won't need to feel numb." She said before passing out in a drunken stupor. Kaidan sighed, struggling with not knowing what demons she battled today with Hackett.

**The Next Morning…**

Kaidan walked into the darkened bedroom and snapped open the blinds, letting the morning sun stream brightly through. A small groan erupted in protest from the light.

"Come on, get up." Kaidan said as he sat next to Jane with water and asprin in his hands.

"Was either Grunt or Wrex here last night?" Jane asked from under the pillow on top of her head. Kaidan's eyebrows furrowed at the strange question.

"No, why?" Kaidan asked.

"Because head butting a krogan is the only action that could cause me to feel this bad." Jane said as she moaned and rolled over to take the asprin and water from Kaidan.

"Or it could be the fact that you drank about eight margaritas? OR it could be from James carrying you around over his shoulder while you were drunk?' Kaidan said.

"Fuck. All that shit actually happened?" Jane asked.

"Why did you say you were trying to feel numb? Are you so unhappy that you have to drink yourself till you can hardly remember your own name?" Kaidan asked with sadness in his eyes.

"I just wanted a temporary escape. We've been fighting lately, I brawled with Hackett yesterday, and… and I can't talk about how I used to feel numb." Jane said in a small voice, handing the glass of water back to Kaidan, and than wrapping herself up in the blankets.

"Jane we've got to talk about this. All I've been doing lately is cleaning up after you and trying to save you from yourself." Kaidan said.

"I never asked to be saved. Leave it alone." Jane said. Kaidan got up without a word, headed down the stairs and out the door. Jane could hear the skycar powering up outside, with one last sound from the thrusters, there was nothing but silence. She was alone now.

Kaidan flew aimlessly, thinking of someone to call. He didn't want to hang out with anyone from the Normandy because they would only remind him of Jane. After much thought, he called Victoria Moris, the doctor he dated when Shepard was dead. They were close before the Reaper War, and remained friends. Kaidan sent a request to Victoria to meet him at the bar. The bar was the only place he thought of to escape his problems. Once he arrived at the bar he heard a high pitched, feminine voice call his name.

"Kaidan! Over here!" Victoria yelled from a table across the bar. Kaidan walked over to her and started ordering shots to loosen them up.

**Meanwhile, back at the house in Vancouver**

Jane was angry at everything. At herself for yelling at Kaidan, at Kaidan for walking out, and the Alliance for ripping away the only life she ever knew. She went downstairs, into the basement, and returned back with a sniper rifle and ammunition in hand. She brought everything into the backyard and set up a shooting range. She shot every target she set up, still able to hit the center on every target. Jane didn't stop practicing until a blanket of darkness swept over the lawn and the sky darkened bringing on the night. Jane lied down on the cool grass and watched the stars in the sky. _That's where everything began, in the stars. I wasn't Commander Shepard on my small home of Mindoir, there I was just 'Janey," _Jane thought to herself. She brought her arm in front of her face to check her omni-tool. It was 12 pm and she was still all alone in the big house. She would never admit to Kaidan how sleeping in the house by herself scared her. Sleeping by herself reminded her when she was hiding in her house during the batarian attack.

_She was young again and heard the screaming throughout the colony. The batarians were taking everyone to become slaves or they killed them on the spot. She hid in a crawl space in the back of her closet, she heard her parents and siblings screams as they were dragged out of the house and shot. Tears streamed down her face, she slept in the crawl space in the blood streaked house for the rest of the night. When she woke, Alliance cruisers were sweeping through the colony. She crawled out of the small space and slowly made her way down the stairs. The front door opened and she froze in her tracks. A young alliance marine came through the door and spotted her. He placed his gun on his floor, and crouched down to her height. He only said a few words to her before taking her hand and leading her out of the house. _

"_Come on child, my name is Anderson. Walk with me and we will get you something to eat." The young Anderson said. Those few words made all the difference. He was the only man that Jane trusted with every aspect of her life. _

Shepard woke up still on the grass, recovering from the memory she dreamt about. Jane got up, turned towards the house to still see it dark. Her omni-tool showed it was 1 am. She made her way inside, locked up the house and made her way into the bedroom. The silence scared her in the empty house, she needed to distract herself. Jane lied down under the sheets of the bed and brought up her omni tool. She sent out a hail.

"Hello?" James said as his face appeared on the vid-com screen.

"Hey James, you were probably sleeping… this was stupid, I shouldn't have called you…" Jane said, starting to doubt her choice of calling.

"Lola, calm down. I wasn't sleeping, I got home from a party about an hour ago and I was watching some old vids. What's up?" James asked, rubbing the tiredness out of his eyes.

"It's just, I'm just not comfortable sleeping alone in an empty house and I just wanted to talk with someone..." Jane said as she laid her head down on the pillow.

"Your always welcome here Lola, I could send a shuttle over." James suggested.

"No, no. Tell me about something, anything. Where did you come from Vega?" Jane said, fatigue lacing her voice.

"I grew up near San Diego, near the beach side. One day, my father Joshua Sanders sent me to pick up a package in San Diego. After obtaining the package from a shady dealer, the police moved in and pursued me across the city. I escaped by slipping into a restaurant and blending in with the staff. My Uncle was the one that convinced me to move on from my father's influence. As soon as I could, I left and joined up with the Alliance." James said and glanced back at the vid screen to see a sleeping Jane. "Night Lola," James said smiling before ending the call. Jane had always been sleeping either in a ship with a crew, or in a house with Anderson watching over her. It was the first night that she slept in an empty house, alone, and there was no one there to keep the nightmares at bay.


	7. Torn

_Breathing became a challenge. Her armor had mostly been burned away and what was left of it was welded to her skin. Rubble was pinning down most of her body, leaving only one arm uncovered. Her head was swimming, she wouldn't last long, unconsciousness would soon overwhelm her. She heard gravel rumbling near by, a vehicle most likely passing by. She used her free hand, grabbed a chunk of rubble and banged it against the metal crushing her abdomen._

"_Do you hear that? Could it be leftover Reaper forces?" Soldiers said, making their way over towards the banging. Jane tried to yell out but she was too weak. She could feel herself slipping away. _

"_It's a marine, get the medical team over here, we will search for identification and stabilize her." Another voice yelled out. "Also, get some biotics over here to help move the rubble without crushing her," the same voice continued. Jane could feel someone touching her, looking for a pulse on her wrist, and she could feel every piece of rubble being moved off of her. When the last piece of rubble, the metal crushing her abdomen was moved, her body went numb. The last thing she saw was a young medic standing over her applying medi-gel before he stumbled over her slightly melted dog tags. _

"_We have an N7 soldier over here, name… Jane Shepard. We need all medical staff on standby for surgery. Commander, we're going to take care of you. And thank you." The medic said before lifting her on a stretcher. Every part of her body screamed in protest at being moved. The pain was unbearable, she blacked out, not expecting to come back._

Jane woke up to, what she suspected to be, the front door shutting. She hurt that Kaidan never came back home last night but she had to apologize to him. Everything she said to him was uncalled for. Jane got changed into her old N7 work out clothes, and headed downstairs. She found Kaidan on the couch with a blanket thrown over him, and the shades shut, leaving the room in complete darkness.

"Hey there," Jane said softly as she sat down at the edge of the couch and pushed her fingers through Kaidans hair. His black hair was starting to be spotted with some gray hairs. Jane was sure that most of them was from the heart attacks she gave him on a daily basis. She took in Kaidan's rumpled clothing that reeked of alcohol.

"I should leave soon Victoria," he mumbled half a sleep as he turned over. Ice shot through her veins. She remembered Kaidan confessing how he dated her during the time she was dead. Jane was fine that Kaidan moved on after her death, it was what she expected him to do. What she didn't expect, was for him to sleep at her house, especially after a fight and with alcohol in his system. Jane shot up from the couch, grabbed her running shoes and made her way out the door. She ran straight into the woods, not knowing where she was going, and not caring. Anyplace was better than home right now.

_What if he cheated? He was probably finally fed up with me… but wouldn't he break up with me first? Wouldn't he have the decency to tell me the truth? _Jane thought as she ran. Thoughts of what could've happened bombarded her skull, she stopped to take in her surroundings. She'd been running for hours, with no desire to turn around and head back. She sat down on the roots of a tree and thought back to when she was young again, a couple years before the raid on Mindoir.

_She was playing soccer on a small co-ed team that the colony put together. She was sitting on the ground waiting for her turn to go in the game. The coach came up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder and she automatically flinched away. She hated people touching her._

"_Why do you push people away Shepard?" Her coach asked her. And for once, she didn't have an answer. _

Jane lifted a hand to her face to wipe the tears off of her face. She knew she would eventually have to go back home and face the music, but how much easier would it be to just runaway? With a sigh, Jane got up, and started to run back to the house. When she made it back, Kaidan was in the backyard, facing the woods she had ran into. In front of him were tools and a circuit board. He glanced up at her as she walked across the yard.

"How does the leg feel?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Just like new," Jane replied coldly and went to walk past him. His arm shot out and grabbed her's before she went into the house. The way he grabbed her just further enraged Jane.

"We need to talk Jane," he said, looking in her eyes.

"Why don't you go talk to Victoria, isn't she the one your moving on to now?" Jane said with disdain in her voice.

"What are you talking about?" Kaidan asked releasing his grip on her arm.

"I get it. I used to be 'Commander Shepard,' and it used to be a challenge to see if you could get close to me. And you accomplished that. So now, you want a life with someone who can bring you happiness. I wish you just broke up with me first though," Jane said starting to walk away again. Kaidan got out of the chair and blocked her from going into the house.

"Move." Jane demanded, practically yelling.

"No. Not until you tell me what the hell your talking about!" Kaidan yelled back.

"What? Do you not remember coming in hung over and making your way to the couch? I came downstairs to apologize and you make a comment about how you should be leaving Victoria's house soon." Jane spat out, each word containing anger and hurt. Kaidan pushed his hand through his hair.

"Shit, I'm sorry, Jane-" Kaidan started before Jane interrupted.

"You're _sorry_?" Jane said, finally pushing past him and into the house. She marched upstairs into the bedroom. Kaidan followed her upstairs and went into the bedroom to see her standing over a suitcase, putting at least a week's worth of clothing into.

"Jane, nothing happened! I was too drunk to drive back and I brought the skycar, so Victoria drove the skycar back to her house and I slept on her couch for the night. Victoria and I never clicked even before the war! We're just friends!" Kaidan pleaded trying to stop Jane from shoving more clothes into the suitcase. Jane closed the suitcase, practically flew down the stairs, took off her engagement ring and placed it on the side table next to the stairs. She slammed the front door as she made her way out of the house. She didn't believe a word of what Kaidan was saying, and she didn't want to listen to any more excuses. Jane was halfway down the driveway before realizing she didn't grab any extra money with her. She walked down a street and called a taxi skycar at a gas station. She needed a place to stay.

Jane got out of the taxi a few hours later in front of a small two-story house. She paid the taxi driver with the remaining money she had and walked up to the front door. Jane rang the doorbell and heard the heavy foot steps coming her way. When it opened she was faced with the one person she wanted to see.

"Lola?" James said, confusion practically written on his face.

"I know this is really weird, but I need a place to stay, and you used to be my guard, and we are pretty good friends…" Jane rambled on and on, as she did when she was nervous.

"Hey, hey. Slow down. I said it before, your always welcome here." James said, opening up the door wider before stepping outside, taking her suitcase from her, and leading her into the house.

"I just made some of my abuela's huevos rancheros. Food is on the stove, help yourself. I'll go put your stuff upstairs." James called down halfway up the stairs. Jane was shocked out of his generosity. He didn't ask a single question about why she needed a place to stay, he just let her in, no questions asked. Jane made her way to the kitchen to find the famous dish that James always used to rant about on the Normandy. She heard foot steps behind her.

"You know it's almost dinner time and you made eggs?" Jane said amused.

"It doesn't matter what time of day it is, this stuff is good anytime of day." James said, grabbing two plates and piling on the food.

"Grab two beers from the fridge for me Lola?" James asked as he headed out of the room. Jane grabbed the beers and followed him to the couch.

"Biotiball?" Jane says grinning, remembering the time she made bets with Cortez and Vega on which team would win.

"Hell yeah," James said, popping the caps off the beers and handing one to Jane. After she scarfed down the eggs and finished off her beer, Jane was practically in a food coma by the end of the biotiball game. Both her head and eyes drooped and she was soon asleep with her head on Vega's shoulder.

"_Kaidan?" Jane said as she ran towards him across the street. But right as Jane reached him, he turned around, put his arm around the waist of Victoria and kissed her. "what are you doing?! We're engaged!" Jane screamed._

"_You took off your ring remember? No longer engaged." Kaidan said as he walked off with Victoria, not once looking back at Jane. _

Jane's dream started to disappear as she realized she was being shaken.

"Wake up Shepard! Come on! It's just a dream!" Vega said to her as he gently shook her shoulders. Jane opened her eyes to see that they were both still on the couch. James reached his hands up and placed them on both sides of Jane's face. He swept his thumbs under her eyes wiping up the last tears that were falling down her face.

"I promised myself I wouldn't ask you and that I would wait until you told me, but what's going on Lola?" James asked with concern. "You were crying out and thrashing, I thought I was going to have a concussion from the way you were flailing!" James joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"I suck at being a civilian." Jane said quietly.

"What do you mean?" James prodded for her to go on.

"I've been put on medical leave from the Alliance for practical forever, I've been fighting with Kaidan left and right, Kaidan cheated on me yesterday, and I'm afraid to sleep. Every time I close my eyes, nightmares come to plague me. Do you know what it's like to be in constant fear of falling asleep at night?" Jane said. James just sat there right next to her and put his arm around her.

"You can stay here as long as you want Lola." James said, putting the joking aside. Never before had he seen her so beat down, lost, and broken. Even when she was in the hospital, she was filled with the power and perseverance of the Savior of the Galaxy. This side of her showed James the scared girl from Mindoir.

"You can go back to sleep Lola. I promise nothing will happen to you here." Vega said. Jane hesitantly closed her eyes, afraid of what her subconscious would show her, and afraid that she might of lost the one person she truly loved. Jane finally pushed everyone away, and Vega was the only one left standing.


	8. Renewed

**Author's Note: The quote for the tattoo was said by Javik in Mass Effect but I took liberties with it and used it in a different way. I hope you guys like the story so far, the last messages and reviews I got were really helpful in giving me new ideas for the story. So here is the new chapter, hope you like it!**

Jane woke up to the sound of a coffee maker brewing in the kitchen. She got up and headed into the kitchen to see James standing with his back towards her in only gray sweatpants. His tattoos were all visible, but Jane noticed a new tattoo next to his N7 one. The tattoo was of the Normandy with a quote in small script on the underside of the ship. It read:

"Stand among the ashes of a trillion dead souls and ask the ghosts if honor matters. The silence is your answer." -Lola

Jane couldn't help but walk towards James and trace the quote with her fingers.

"Quoting your commander lieutenant?" Jane said.

"Ah, you noticed that? Well you held the Normandy and its crew together, it only made sense." James said turning around with two cups of coffee in his hands. "Here" he said, handing one of the cups to Jane.

"I'm sorry for last night, the nightmares haven't stopped yet. The dead still haunt me." Jane said quietly, staring into her coffee, refusing to look James in the eyes.

"We all have our own demons Lola. Listen, I'm going out back and you should come down to... Dance." James said, smiling at the last word, remembering their match in the Normandy.

"Yeah let me go get changed, I'll meet you out there." Jane said, heading towards her bag. She started up her omni-tool to see at least six mixed calls from Kaidan, and messages asking her to call him back. Jane wasn't ready to confront him yet. She stuck her omni tool in her bag, changed into N7 sports ware and headed outside.

Outside there was a whole fitness area set up. There was a weight bench, dumbbell stand, James infamous pull up bar, and a padded area for sparring. James was on the mat doing crunches while waiting for her.

"Ready to go Lola?" James said, already jumping to his feet and bouncing to get ready to move. "I'm not going to break your leg right?" He asked.

"Your old commander can still take you with one arm." Jane said tauntingly. They circled each other waiting for one another to make a first move. Come on, I know how impulsive you are, Jane thought to herself. She was right. James sent a jab towards her right shoulder, she blocked and grabbed his arm twisting it. He broke the hold by swiping her leg weakened from the war.

"Cheap shot," she said as she bounced up before getting pinned to the ground.

"So where's the Major?" James prompted. Janes body lit up with anger at the mention of him. Jane faked right and came back around to slam a punch in James' stomach with her left.

"He was promoted and is not a Major. Pretty sure he cheated on me. He complained that I pushed myself too hard when I was injured." Jane grunted as she blocked a blow to her stomach. " ... Than I got a surgery to fix my leg and he was still mad!" Jane finished landing some light blows on his forearm.

"The major would never cheat on you, he stares at you like you might disappear any moment!" James said, dodging blow after blow. "And he was probably worried that you were going under the knife just so you could be in control again. That surgery was risky!" Jane was thinking about what he was saying and did not recover in time to block James' sweeping kick.

Jane laid on the ground, stunned, looking up at the sky. James gave her a hand up. "Your a fighter, if he is cheating, go and kick his ass! Don't mope about it, because you always have me to fall back on, I hear in pretty good in bed." James said smirking. Jane laughed and punched his arm as she went inside to grab her stuff. When she came back downstairs, James was yelling at the TV over a sports game.

"I'm going to get out of your space," she said as she walked past him.

"I'll walk you out Lola," James replied, getting up, and following her to the door. Once they got to the door, Jane turned around and tightly hugged James.

"Thanks James for everything." Jane said quietly.

"Anytime Lola, anytime." James said hugging her tightly. Jane walked out of James' house with her head held high, and her old confidence restored. James shook his head.

"Commander Shepard is back, and she's going to rip Kaidan a new one." James mumbled to himself.

Jane headed home to confront Kaidan. She walked through the front door to hear voices in the other room.

"Alright if you hear from her please call me. Thanks Garrus." Kaidan said into his omni-tool. Jane looked at him sitting on the couch running his hand through his speckled hair.

"I'm fine, I've taken care of myself since Mindoir and I turned out fine." Jane said, placing her stuff in the nearby closet.

"Where have you been! I couldn't find you anywhere. No one knew where you were!" Kaidan said walking over and hugging her.

"I need to know what happened with Victoria that night..." Jane said pushing out of Kaidan's embrace to face him.

"Nothing happened Shepard, God your too important to me to ever cheat or disrespect you. What can I say that would convince you?" Kaidan said, begging with her. Jane searched his eyes.

"I believe you," Jane said, and then she walked past him into the kitchen. "Are you cooking, because I'm starving." Jane asked. Kaidan was still standing in the living room with his mouth open in disbelief that she didnt fight with him. He made his way towards the kitchen and what he heard surprised him above all else. He heard singing coming from the kitchen. Jane was pulling out ingredients left and right as she moved around the kitchen singing quietly to herself.

"Did I miss something?" Kaidan asked.

"What do you mean?" Jane said.

"You have your old spark back, your happy again, and you have enough confidence to sing again! Where the hell did you go yesterday?" Kaidan said. He was amazed that wherever she went yesterday could change her this much.

"Vega let me stay with him. We sparred today and we beat each other senseless. He just brought back the strength in me with what he said." Jane said shrugging.

"Wow... I owe him a drink. Did he teach you how to cook too?" Kaidan said incredulously.

"No... I was hoping you would help with that." Jane said smiling. She got on a stool to grab salt from a high cabinet. Kaidan grabbed her around the waist and pulled her off. "What are you doi-" she stared before Kaidan crushed his lips to hers. She couldn't stop the giggle that escaped them. She felt Kaidan pushing a ring on her finger.

"Please don't take it off again," he asked in a whisper.

"Never," she promised. Kaidan lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Kaidan kissed every part of skin available to him as he carried her up the stairs to the bedroom. The next morning they woke up a mess of tangled limbs.


	9. Back to Work

**Author's Note: Not sure who is still following the story, but here is an update. I'm not sure that this story will continue much further, I may start a new story with a different femshep pairing. As always, any comments or ideas on this story or on a new one are always welcome. Thanks for reading!**

Jane woke up to small kisses being trailed down her neck. She smiled lazily, and turned over to face Kaidan.

"Good morning," she muttered, still half asleep. She could feel the invisible patterns Kaidan was tracing over her bare skin.

"Mornin," he replied back, leaning in to capture her lips.

"Plans for the day?" Jane asked, arching her back like a cat to stretch out.

"Nope, just going to make a quick run to the store. New omni-tool came out and it has all the latest logistics programs and I still love getting upgraded hacking on my tool too." Kaidan said. Jane laughed at Kaidan's love for electronics and gadgets. His face lit up like he won the lottery. "What about you love?" he asked.

"Nothin—" Jane said before getting cut of by a ringing omni-tool message. She got up, taking the sheets to cover herself as she made her way over to the beeping tool. She opened the message and groaned.

"What is it?" Kaidan asked as he crossed the room.

"They don't want me for active duty, but they need me to play diplomat. I hate politicians and Udina was my prime example of why." Jane said, as she made her way into the closet to find her dress blues.

"So I'm guessing your going?" Kaidan asked.

"Yeah I am. I'm going to prove to Admiral Hackett that I'm still the same Commander Shepard… except that I have a new ring on my finger." Jane said looking down at her engagement ring with a smile.

"About that, it's been awhile since the war ended and you still haven't met my mom. I was hoping that we could visit her soon and maybe we could all start planning the wedding." Kaidan said as he placed his hands on either side of her face and kissed her.

"Mhm, I would love to. I have to go, and your distracting me. Your pure evil." Jane said mockingly.

"Now, would an evil man do this?" Kaidan said. He slid his hands down her body till he reached her hips. Then he leaned against her, with his mouth not quite touching her's, close enough to tease her with his tongue. Kaidan traced the shape of her lips with his tongue before closing the small gap and taking her bottom lip in his mouth with his teeth. Jane involuntarily groaned at the small gesture. Kaidan chuckled.

"I guess I'll see you later," Kaidan said, making his way to the bathroom to take a shower. Jane ran across the room and jumped on his back.

"Like I said E-V-I-L! You can't just leave me like that!" Jane exclaimed, placing her hands over his eyes. Kaidan put his hands on her legs that were wrapped around his waist, and slowly moved them up her thighs. He traced the small scar that marked her body from surgery to fix her leg. Kaidan walked backwards from the bathroom until his feet hit the board at the bottom of the bed. He tipped himself back, causing Jane to squeak as she fell back with Kaidan on top of her. Kaidan pinned her arms down.

"The Alliance will not appreciate your tardiness Ma'am" Kaidan said with a smirk.

"And the Alliance does not _appreciate_ insubordination marine!" Jane said in between laughter. Kaidan squeezed her sides above her hips causing her to shriek in even more laughter.

"I surrender for the greater good! And for the fact that I really need to leave for work!" Jane said, getting up from Kaidan's hold. Kaidan helped her up and watched as she stalked back into the closet to retrieve the rest of her dress blues. Kaidan helped button up her shirt as she tied her hair in a low tight bun that seemed to frame her face.

"Permission to speak freely Ma'am?" Kaidan asked mockingly.

"Permission granted soldier." She replied back with a smile. 

"That uniform leaves nothing to the imagination….especially when I know what's underneath." Kaidan said. Jane rolled her eyes and kissed him on the cheek as she made her way out of the bedroom door. Kaidan followed her downstairs to see her lacing up her favorite combat boots. Once Jane as all ready to go, she opened the front door but before she took a step, Kaidan had one last thing to say.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Kaidan asked. Jane turned around confused.

"I kissed you goodbye…" She said, trying to think of what else she had forgotten. Kaidan walked towards her with his hands still behind his back. When he brought his hand in front of him, he had two items. One item was her dress blues hat, and the second one was a pair of dog tags.

"The dog tags are mine. I want you to keep the one with my old lieutenant rank on it to remind you of me and how far we've come. On the other hand, the hat is still apart of the uniform babe." Jane raised her eyebrows at the nickname. Kaidan blushed deep red.

"Babe?" she repeated.

"Uh, aren't you going to be late? Let's get you going." Kaidan tried to usher. Jane gave him the infamous "no bullshit" look. "It just sort of came out," he admitted.

"Try again with the nicknames. "Babe" makes me feel inferior and we all know that I'm anything but that." Jane said cockily.

"Who are you playing diplomat for and how are you getting there?" Kaidan asked, trying to recover from the nickname incident.

"I'm apparently settling a territory dispute for the hanar and drell. And of course Joker will be getting me there in style in our baby." Jane said.

"Joker! The Normandy!" Kaidan sputtered in disbelief that it was just like old times.

"I promised Joker I would buy him a drink if he was my pilot." Jane said grinning.

"Stay safe, and come back to me." Kaidan said to Jane as she got into the skycar to go to the space station. Little did he know that "just like old times" would involve him being in a situation where he would almost lose her again.


	10. Just Breathe

**Author's Note: This is one of my largest chapters yet. Some people have requested this story to continue, and I'm still on the fence about if I will continue it. I promise you I will update soon after this chapter. As always, enjoy and leave your thoughts in a review! **

Jane walked through the CIC of the Normandy and couldn't stop the grin that overtook her face. She may be lacking her old crew members that truly made the Normandy come alive, but she had her ship back.

"Just like old times, isn't it?" Joke said, hearing her approach behind him.

"I guess so, lets just avoid a fire fight if we can." Jane said half kidding.

"Well don't you just take the fun out of everything. You worried you don't have it in you anymore Shepard?" Joker said as he moved from screen to screen.

"Oh trust me, I still got it. Let's see if you can still get us to our destination without us crashing." Jane said, walking away from the cockpit. She could hear a faint "yeah, yeah" coming from Joker as she headed towards the war room.

"All right ladies and gentlemen we will be reaching our destination ETA 2 hours. Please keep hands and feet inside the craft at all times and refrain from throwing crew out of the air lock * cough * JACK." Joker broadcasted over the shipwide intercom. Jane rolled her eyes. Jack was the only other familiar crew on the ship. When Jane asked why she wanted to come her only answer was, "why the hell not?" Jane was setting up for the meeting with the hanar and drell ambassadors when all she heard coming from the CIC/cockpit was Jack's booming voice.

"FUCK OFF" Jack screamed. Jane shook her head. She could only imagine Joker getting chewed out right now by Jack. Jack may have learned to control her temper at Grissom Academy but that didn't stop her from unleashing it now and then. Mid thought, Jane was thrown against the wall of the war room from the ship shaking.

"Joker! What was that?" Jane demanded over intercom.

"Shepard we're seeing some weird stuff up here," Joker said. Shepard started walking swiftly back up to the cockpit. _Usually we have at least five minutes until the mission goes horribly wrong_ she thought to herself.

"Status report," Jane demanded as she reached the pilot seat.

"Something is scrambling with our system, if we still had EDI she could probably counteract it, but it's messing with the balance of the ship." Joker said. Jane felt a stab in her heart at the way Joker mentioned EDI. She knew that it was her fault that EDI was gone. Tali promised that she was still working on reconstructing EDI to the exact way she was.

"Can you get us out of this?" Jane asked.

"I'm trying but—" Joker stopped as he looked out in front of the ship. A huge war ship had just appeared out of FTL and was firing up it's weapons. Joker moved his fingers at an alarming rate and kicked the Normandy's engines into overdrive. Jane on the other hand was rushing down to the shuttle bay to suit up in her armor. Just as she placed her helmet on, a shutter racked through the ship.

"We are being fired at from an enemy ship, I repeat we are being attacked." Joker's voice echoed through the ship. Jane made her way up to her cabin to send out a message to Alliance HQ about the attack. She walked in the cabin when the ship was hit again. Her skylight above her bed lit up. Before she knew what was happening she was being sucked out of the ceiling. A stray piece of shrapnel hit the top of the ship with such velocity and force that it tore through her skylight, venting her cabin.

_This can't be happening. Second time I'm being spaced. Kaidan…. He's better not go and do all the suicide missions he did when I died the first time. I hope he knows I love him. _Jane thought, her breathing starting to quicken from the memories of the first time she was spaced. As she floated away she could hear the ship's automated voice ringing out and saying:

"Breach in Captain Quarters, an amount of one person has been lost."

_I'm not dead yet you fucker, _Jane thought as she focused on slowing down her breathing but she continued to hyperventilate and lose oxygen at an alarming rate. As she was floating she saw the shuttle bay door open and the Normandy spinning around almost to catch her. Jack was standing attached to the end of the shuttle bay with breathing gear on. The ship continued to thrust closer to her and encased her in the shuttle bay. Jack grabbed her and yelled through the com that they were clear. The shuttle bay doors shut and the automated voice once again range through the ship:

"Pressurizing shuttle bay, all personnel stand by."

Once the bay was fully pressurized Jack ripped off her breather mask and made quick work at taking of Jane's too. Once the helmet was removed from Jane's head, she started gasping for air and clawing at her throat. Her whole body was violently shaking from fear and shock. A medical crew came rushing through the elevator to assist with the situation. Jane didn't know what happened next because her eyes glazed over and she saw stars.

**Hours Later**

Jane was getting really sick of hospitals. By now she was positive that they always had a bed open with her name engraved on it. The doctors had poked and prodded her for hours to tell her what she already knew; physically she was fine. The doctors were making her do a mandatory therapy session though, and they said that she couldn't be officially cleared until her therapist signed off on it. Jane was rubbing her face as she laid in the hard hospital bed. She didn't know if she wanted to see space or the stars ever again. Joker hadn't left her side the few hours that they had been at the hospital. Jack was forced to report to HQ to report the incident for Jane made her XO of the ship. Jane and Joker hadn't said a word to each other, both didn't know where to start. Jane was afraid if she started talking, everything would finally become real. She closed her eyes to try and just think for a while, but the doors to her room practically flew open as a worried Kaidan came practically sprinting through the door.

"Kaidan? How did you –" Jane started but Kaidan cut her off with a gentle kiss to the lips. Joker got up and excused himself to get coffee.

"Damage report?" Kaidan asked.

"Ugh, well hyperventilation, which led to a little bit of lack of oxygen, which led to me passing out. Otherwise, I'm just bruised up… and I have to complete a mandatory therapy session for undiagnosed PTSD from the Reaper War." Jane said quickly, trying to not dwell on anything so Kaidan would hopefully not ask too many questions.

"PTSD? and why did you hyperventilate?" Kaidan asked. Of course he couldn't just be happy with the report she gave. He sat down next to her on the bed and held one of her small hands in both of his.

"I hyperventilated because…." Jane paused, unable to even think about being spaced again. Kaidan rubbed circles on the top of her hand to encourage her to continue. "…I was spaced again." Jane finished. Kaidan's body went totally rigid, and his eyes lost all emotion. His face was whiter than paper.

"You… You… Were, uhm." Kaidan sputtered trying to wrap his head around the situation.

"I'm fine, I put on my suit as soon as we were attacked… I headed to my quarters to send a message to Alliance HQ and the next thing I know, my cabin doesn't have a roof anymore. The only casualties were fish." Jane said, trying to lighten the mood with the last part.

"Janie, are you alright?" Kaidan asked, his face softening again.

"I'm fine." Jane automatically said. She went to turn her face away but Kaidan refused to let her get out of it that easily. Kaidan took her face in his hands.

"I didn't mean physically. You have never talked about the Reaper War, you have told me very little about Mindoir, and you have never explained Akzuze to anyone." Kaidan said.

"I don't need to talk about it. It happened, there's nothing we can do about it now. " Jane stubbornly said. "And, I'm not going to a ridiculous therapy session, to have a shrink as me how I feel about things. My life has been a little rocky, but I'm alive. The shrink couldn't even understand a fire fight because they probably have never even held a gun before! They have never held a gun and yet they are going to try and sympathize with me!" Jane said aggravated. She got up and started to change into a hoody and sweat pants that Joker got for her to wear.

"And where are you going?" Kaidan asked exasperated.

"Where else? Home." Jane said. She made her way out of the room and started walking out the door. Kaidan easily caught up to her with his long leg strides and helped sign her out of the hospital. He showed her to the skycar he arrived in, and took her home.

**Back In Vancouver **

They made it back to the house and Kaidan settled Jane on the couch with a cup of her favorite tea and a blanket.

"I'm going to run out and grab some food for us to eat tonight," Kaidan said as he grabbed the keys, and kissed her on the forehead on the way out the door. Jane sat on the couch in silence, alone and left with her memories and thoughts. Kaidan had stirred up every horrific memory she had ever had. Mindor, Akuze, and her spacing incident, all in one day. Jane felt her heart sinking, and depression sinking in. The last time she was this depressed, Anderson wouldn't leave her alone, and the one moment he left, he returned to find her in a pool of her own blood on the kitchen floor. Cutting herself had made her feel…good. Almost numb. It made her feel human, knowing that she could still feel pain through her time of despair. Jane got up from the couch and went upstairs. She turned on the shower, raising the temperature until it was scalding hot. Jane stepped back, leaving the shower running, and looked at herself in the mirror. She couldn't see anything but the mangled mess of scars she was. What could anyone ever see in her? She was useless. Unnecessary. Unneeded. Jane shook with either anger or sadness, she couldn't tell. The only thing she knew was the quick jolt of pain that shot through her as she punched the mirror. Shards laid all over the floor, and the room was starting to fill with steam from the shower. Jane slumped down and sat on the floor. She watched as little trickles of blood sprang from her knuckles.

She picked up one of the bigger shards of glass and cut herself across her wrists. She wanted to control her death, and she was ready to die. She thought of nothing as she waited there, sitting in her blood that was leaving her. She thought of the day Anderson found her.

_He called her name as he came home from an emergency meeting with some part of the Alliance. Silence greeted him. He heard no angry or sad music that usually emanated from Jane's room. _

"_Jane?" Anderson continued to call as he walked towards the kitchen. Something was terribly wrong. As he entered the kitchen he saw feet sticking out from behind the counter on the ground. Anderson walked around the island to see Jane lying down blood starting to pool around her, she was still barely conscious, and was mumbling as tears ran down her face. _

"_Jane, come on child. Stay awake for me." Anderson pleaded as he applied medi-gel to her wrists, his own adrenalin pumping through his ears. He applied pressure to the wounds that were starting to stop bleeding and when he got the chance he called 911, for an immediate pick up for a suicide attempt. Jane woke up in the hospital with bandages around her wrists and Anderson with his head in his hands, crying at her bedside. _

Jane felt guilty that Kaidan would eventually find her, but this time she would be dead. Jane looked back down at her bleeding wrists and removed her ring, placing it on the side of the tub. She couldn't stop thinking how her whole life she'd been a burden. Mindoir and Akzuze she was the only survivor, making her hardened soldier on the outside but tearing her apart on the inside. Her death was the worst of all. It made her question herself for the first time. It shattered her resolve and confidence. Jane just wanted to feel empty… she just wanted to feel numb with out her lungs feeling like sandpaper from suffocation. Her vision was fading and she was ready, ready to go to the world Thane used to talk about. She was ready to go "across the sea."


	11. Fight for Me

**Author's Note: I'm hoping to get a little more feedback on this chapter. I am going to continue the story until either people stop liking it, or until the story starts to drag. Thanks again for reading, following or favoriting my story. I appreciate all of you and your wonderful ideas for where to take my story next. You guys are a constant inspiration and I look forward to keep on writing. **

**JANE:**

Empty. That's what she felt as everything started to fade. There was no more pain, sorrow, anger, nothing other than her heart beat was sounding. Just one more minute she guessed. A voice was echoing through her head, but she couldn't place it. And the voice was getting...louder? Jane couldn't understand why her silence was broken. There was a thudding sound on the bathroom door. She just closed her eyes and wished the world away.

**KAIDAN**

He came home from the store with all of Janes's favorite food. Kaidan set them on the table and walked into the living room where he last saw Jane.

"Hey what are you in the mood for for dinner?" Kaidan asked as he approaches the doorway to the living room. She wasn't in there though. "Jane?" Kaidan called loud enough to be heard through the house. He waited for her voice to respond back but nothing ever came. Kaidan ran up the stairs to their bedroom, the bathroom door was shut and he could hear the shower running. He tried again:

"Jane?" Kaidan called next to the bathroom door. Silence greeted him for a second time. He tried the door. Locked. Jane always kept the door open and there was no sound of anyone actually in the shower. He knocked on the door loudly enough that the neighbors half a mile down the road could hear. No response.

Kaidan's heart was pumping faster and faster. I could easily break the door and she could be ok, but what if she's hurt? Kaidan contemplated with himself. Kaidan glowed dimly as his biotics fired up. With one swift move the door was off the hinges. What Kaidan saw once he was through the door, would haunthis nightmares forever. Jane was slumped against the wall in a pool of blood, open wounds across her wrists. Her face was slumped down to her chest, and she looked like nothing more than a doll.

Kaidan sprinted into the room. Steam from the shower made his vision slightly clouded. He grabbed medi-gel from the bathroom cabinet and smeared every last drop of it on Jane's wrist.

"Janey, come on, wake up" Kaidan was practically yelling as he tightly wrapped her hands and applied pressure. He needed an evacuation and fast. He pulled up his omni tool, and still held pressure on her wrists.

"911 what is your emergency?" And operator asked.

"I need an ambulance to my location immediately! Spectre Kaidan Alenko, spectre code 9463095."

"Understood, sir. Can you update us on your situation? An ambulance is heading your way now." The operator calmly asked. For once Kaidan couldn't answer the question asked. What could he say? That his fianc√© tried to kill herself while he was buying groceries? No. He hopes for dear god that there was an explanation for this.

"I have spectre Jane Shepard badly injured and suffering from trauma to the major arteries in her wrist." Kaidan said.

"All right, thank you. The ambulance will be there soon." The operator said. Kaidan hung up the phone. He needed her to live, even if she thought that she had nothing to live for. Kaidan needed to know about Jane's demons and if she wasn't going to tell him, then he was going to find them out by himself. Kaidan fired up his omni-tool and made a vid-call.

"Admiral Hackett, I was hoping to come and see you today. It's about Jane." Kaidan began.

**Later At The Hospital**

Jane woke up and felt weaker than ever. She tried to recall the events that happened over the pulsing pain in her head. She went to move her arms to find that they were restrained. Her wrists were wrapped in gauze and then placed in soft restraints that were attached to the bed. Jane's heart rate sped up at the fact that she was confined. The heart monitor attached to her was speeding up at an alarming rate and a nurse came in the door.

"Calm down, you don't want your heart rate this high after all the blood you lost. It's too much of a strain on your body." The nurse gently chided.

"Where am I?" Jane demanded.

"Your at Central Vancouver Hospital. A man who said he was your fiancé brought you in and you had slash marks across your wrists." The nurse informed her with almost an accusatory tone. Jane nodded her head and faced her head away from the nurse. She took in the surroundings around her. No windows, no décor, not even a side table for her belongings. The room was almost completely barren. And then she pondered what the nurse had said and her heart nearly stopped beating. The nurse said that _Kaidan_ had found her. Jane's face went white at the realization, and wondered where he was. _He's gone, you finally did it, _Jane thought to herself. She pushed him over the edge. The nurse came back in the room with pills in a cup.

"What are these for?" Jane said as she eyed the pills suspiciously.

"Depression pill and one is to help with the blood transfusion we gave you." The nurse replied. She undid one restraint to hand the pills to Jane and stood there to make sure that all the pills were taken before replacing the restraint. Jane was too weak to fight her off, to refuse this treatment that she was getting. Jane closed her eyes and tried to sleep away her fears, but she knew that only nightmares would come.

Kaidan was furious after talking with Hackett. Jane had left out multiple details of her life that he could have never have filled in on his own. The scars on her arms were from cutting herself when she was younger and not from war like Jane had said. Kaidan learned about the story of how Anderson also found Jane bleeding out on the floor of his home once. Kaidan ran his hands over his face. He knew his anger was at how he couldn't help Jane. That Jane felt that her life wasn't worth living enough to talk to him. Together the two of them were a disaster. Kaidan was always cleaning up her mess. He could hardly remember the strong, confident commander that strode through the Normandy, commanding respect and order. Jane used to fight for what she wanted and believe in. Kaidan wondered if she believed in their future together anymore, or in trying to overcome the demons that haunted them. Kaidan caught a skycar back to the hospital and went to face Jane.

Jane woke up to the slam of her hospital door being shut. Kaidan walked in and stood next to her. He didn't make a move to take off her restraints. Instead he pulled up his omni tool. Pictures appeared in front of Jane. She recognized most of the pictures.

"This one, is of you after Mindoir," Kaidan said as he pointed to a particular picture. _A skinny, tan, girl stared towards the camera of the Alliance crew that was reporting on the Mindoir slaver attack. Jane had just been found by Anderson, and this was just before Anderson took her in as his own, and became her father. The only man she ever trusted._

"This one is years later. You joined the Alliance as soon as you could. You were the top of your class, recommended for the N7 program which you also went to and achieved N7 status. This is days before your mission on Akzuze." _Her red hair stood out brilliantly in it's bun. She stood in her Alliance uniform with her hands folded behind her back. Her lips were set in a line, but her eyes told a different story. Her eyes shined with happiness, confidence, and the knowledge that she had achieved something great. _

"I have two more pictures to show you. The next one is of you after Akzuze. The reports of your mission was all over the news. There was only one caption on every news network for this story: "Sole Survivor." _A picture was taken of her coming off of an Alliance rescue transport. He armor was burned through with thresher maw acid, and her hair was sticking up every which way._ _Yet, she still walked with pride, elegance, and all the poise of a perfect Alliance soldier. The only new thing was that she had just experience the loss of an extended family: her squad. Experience showed through her eyes after this mission._

"And the final one I have to show you that captured the greatness you are is this. _She stood on top of the rubble, cradling her arm which she assumed was broken. Saren and Sovereign were defeated. The galaxy was safe, and her crew was alive. She had just done the impossible. Anderson turned at the sound of a rock hitting the ground and saw Shepard. He grinned with a pride and joy in his eyes that Jane was alive and that she achieved her mission. But the picture also showed Kaidan. Kaidan looked up at her with relief, joy and something that no one else other than Anderson had for her: love. _

"That final picture is the woman I fell in love with. This woman was afraid to get close to me, but you took the chance and you told me you loved me. I know that after all that we've seen after Saren you won't be exactly the same. But I loved the girl that used to hum in the shower, the girl that would grumble at me in the morning until she had her coffee, and the stubborn, confident, woman that would whip my ass into shape if I was ever as reckless and stupid as you have been." Kaidan said fuming. Jane actually was getting mad at the words he had to say.

"And what the FUCK happened to the girl Anderson raised!" Kaidan finished, knowing he would hit a soft spot with the last comment. He was right. Jane was furious and was fighting against her restraints.

"I. WILL. DESTROY. YOU" She spat out with venom.

"Oh, so you're taking one from Jack's book?" Kaidan challenged with a smirk on his face. Apparently tough love was the only way to get her to feel anything.

"NEVER mention Anderson again." Jane warned, her fists trembling.

"Tell me why you did it!" Kaidan yelled right in her face.

"BECAUSE I WANTED TO CHOOSE HOW I DIED!" Jane screamed back, before realizing that she just told him the truth. Realization hit Kaidan.

"Don't you think that you survived Mindoir, Akzuze, the Collector's Base, AND the Reaper War for a reason? Don't you think you deserve happiness? If it's not with me, then I'll go Jane. I just want you to be happy." Kaidan said, finally calming down.

"How many people have died because of my decisions during the reaper war? My whole colony died on Mindoir, and my whole squad died on Akzuze. Death follows me, and I won't bring you the happiness that you deserve Kaidan." Jane said.

"None of the deaths were your fault! And you had to destroy synthetic life, but think how many species and life you saved! The price was high, but the synthetics CAN be rebuilt." Kaidan pleaded Jane knew he was right. Kaidan climbed on the bed and laid next to her. Jane didn't even notice that at some points he removed her restraints.

"You have to do a mandatory therapy session to be released." Kaidan said.

"Okay," Jane said, placing her head on Kaidan's chest and her hand over his heart. Kaidan leaned his head back to try and see her expression. He was shock that she actually agreed and didn't fight him on it.

"Stop looking at me like that. I guess it's time I get it out. I refused to talk to a therapist after Mindoir and Akzuze, and the Alliance said I couldn't rejoin without doing so. But I made a compromise and asked if I could talk with Anderson about it. But I couldn't tell him anything after I came back to life, there wasn't enough time, and then I was on trial for the bartarian incident. And now, now I can never talk to him again." Jane said, her last sentence coming out as a mere whisper. Kaidan pulled her closer.

"Anderson won't be forgotten, but you have me. Forever and always." Kaidan said. He placed the ring on her finger. And said, "You have to stop taking this thing off, your driving me insane." Kaidan said.

"I will, and I'm sorry….And thank you." Jane said. Kaidan was confused. Jane clarified by saying, "Thank you for loving me through the good times and bad, and through my endless craziness. Your amazing." Jane confessed. Kaidan had never been more shocked in his life. Jane was never open like this, and definitely didn't say things like "your amazing."

"Who are you and what have you done with my fiancée?" Kaidan joked. Jane punched him in the arm. "I'm kidding! But remember always, you are worth it Janey, always." Kaidan said, burying his face in her hair. They both started drifting asleep but Jane spoke up.

"Next week, parents, and lets get married." Jane said, yawning and her eyes slowly drifted closed.

"Those must be some strong meds your on. But I would love that." Kaidan agreed as he stroked her hand with her ring on it.


	12. Promises to Stay

**Author's Note: Sorry guys for such a big gap between updates. I have just been so stressed lately and haven't had time to get to a computer. Again, thanks to everyone reading, and I really hope to receive some comments from you guys. Thanks!**

"Did I really say that?" Jane asked as she nervously bit her lip and rubbed her cold hands together. Kaidan enclosed her smaller hands in his to warm them up. The fall air was crisp, with a distinctive cold chill.

"I swear, you said that you wanted to meet my parents and get married." Kaidan said laughing at her nervousness. _She can take down a reaper and thresher maw on foot, but the talk about meeting my mother scares her_ Kaidan thought. They were in a shuttle, on their way to the small house Kaidan's mom was living in, near the countryside. Kaidan kissed her to get her to stop chewing her lip.

"Soon there won't be any lip left to chew," Kaidan teased.

"I guess I'll move onto yours when that happens," Jane said in a low voice that sent shivers down Kaidan's back. His cheeks glowed crimson at the comment. Jane smiled in amusement at how easily she could still fluster him. The shuttle came to a stand still as they touched down on solid ground. Jane instead started to bounce her leg up and down. Kaidan glared at her, and Jane just grumbled in response and got up to exit the shuttle. Kaidan grabbed their bags and followed her outside. In front of them was a two-story house that had woods surrounding the back of the house, with a wrap around porch and rocking chairs out front.

"So this is where you get it from," Jane said. Kaidan looked at her confused.

"What?" Kaidan asked.

"This is where you get your sense of home and family from," Jane said as she started to make her way towards the front door of the house. Before she even reached the first step of the porch, the door burst open.

"Kaidan!" a shorter woman with short black hair and brown eyes called out in delight. Kaidan's whole face lit up and he walked past Jane to reach his mother. He dropped the bags on the porch and embraced his mother.

"Hi mom," he muttered into her shoulder. Jane felt awkward watching such an intimate moment and decided to speak up.

"You have a lovely home Ms. Alenko," Jane said as she walked to stand besides Kaidan.

"Thank you, and who are you dear?" the small woman said as she walked towards Jane and put her arm around Jane's shoulder, leading her into the house. Kaidan rolled his eyes. He knew his mother would be all of Jane, but he didn't think it would be before they walked in the door. Kaidan left the women alone and went to place their bags upstairs.

"I'm Jane. Jane Shepard ma'am." Jane said, a little intimidated by the love and sense of welcome that Ms. Alenko showed her.

"There won't be any of that ma'am stuff in this house. You can call me Kai," Kaidan's mother said as she led Jane to the living room and sat her down on the couch, where Kaidan joined her a few seconds later. Jane raised her eyebrows, not knowing that Kaidan was named after his mother. She was thinking about what else she didn't know about Kaidan, and didn't realize that she had been asked a question if it wasn't for the slight squeeze Kaidan gave her knee.

"Uhm, what?" she asked embarrassed.

"I asked if your family made it out of the war. I heard a lot of military personnel heeded your warnings of the Reapers and got their family to safety," Ms. Alenko said sitting across from Jane. Jane's back automatically went rigid and her eyes momentarily filled with hurt before putting her commander face on.

"My family died many years before the war because of a slaver attack on Mindoir. I was one of the only survivors of the colony." Jane said strongly. Before could offer her condolences, Jane asked where the restrooms were and was gone.

"I didn't mean to—" Kai started to say. Kaidan stood up and reached his hand out towards her.

"It's ok mom. Shes just been fighting a lot of demons lately. How about something to drink?" Kaidan prompted and helped her up from the chair. The duo headed into the kitchen and was preparing drinks.

"So all her scars…" Kai prompted.

"It's not my story to tell mom. They're personal, and she's led a tough life." Kaidan said, surprised that his mother would ask such questions.

"I just always supposed that you would be with a simpler, nicer girl. Like what's her name? Victoria? That nice doctor you dated a while back?" His mom continued as she made tea for all of them to drink. Kaidan cringed at the fight he had with Jane over the one woman.

"Just give her a chance," Kaidan pleaded as he grabbed two cups of the warm tea and made his way back to the living room. He found Jane sitting on the couch again staring at a point in the wall, but he couldn't stop himself from looking at her wrists, to make sure that she wasn't hurting herself again.

"Here," Kaidan said smiling softly as he handed her the mug. She hesitantly accepted it, causing Kaidan to frown. "What's wrong," he asked, concerned.

"She hates who I am. She hates _me_," She whispered. Kaidan felt anger that Jane was still losing confidence in herself.

"She hardly knows you, so I'm sure that she doesn't hate you," Kaidan said, placing his arm around her protectively. Jane sighed as she leaned against Kaidan, breathing him in.

Kai started to walk towards the living room and heard them talking. She heard the last sentence that Kaidan had said and felt guilt constrict her heart. She backed into the kitchen again, and started to make dinner instead of joining the two.

Kaidan got up from the couch, took the tea out of Jane's hands, and led her towards the back door.

"Where are we going?" Jane asked, perplexed by the sudden change n Kaidan's mood.

"I know one place that you would love." Kaidan said like an excited kid. He grabbed a blanket from the closet and headed out the back door towards the woods with Jane. Leaves crunched under their feet as they made their way through a path through the forest.

"How do you know where you're going?" Jane wondered.

"This used to be my aunt's house before the war and I used to come here all the time when I was younger," Kaidan explained. "But, once the war ended, my aunt was presumed dead, and the house was left to my mom." Jane reached out and took his hand to give him reassurance. Kaidan led her through the woods to a small clearing up ahead. In the clearing there was only one tree in the center, with large branches that held a single swing on it. Kaidan motioned for her to sit on it. Jane laughed, feeling like a young colony kid again.

"How did you find this?" She asked, amazed.

"I stumbled upon it when I used to play with my biotics in the woods." Kaidan admitted. He watched with joy as Jane pumped her legs higher in higher. He took everything she was in during that moment: She wore simple jeans with a dark blue sweater that showed off her slim, but muscular arms and upper body. A scarf flared behind her along with her red hair, every time she flew back and forth in the swing. Giggles erupted from her as she flew high enough to touch some remaining leaves on the tree with her toes. Kaidan couldn't even remember how long they were out there; time seemed irrelevant. The sky grew dark early during the cold autumn months, and stars started to shine. Kaidan looked at his omni-tool to read a message from his mom that dinner was ready. Jane reluctantly got off the swing and returned to Kaidan's side, intertwining their fingers.

"Thank you," she said as they began their journey back towards the house.

"For what?" Kaidan asked as he slowly summoned his biotics in his hand to light their way.

"For showing me how to have fun again and love. You always show me love." Jane said as she craned her neck towards the sky and take in the stars.

"Do you miss it? Zooming around the stars in your state of the art warship?" Kaidan asked, wrapping the blanket around her arms.

"No. No, I did that for so long and loved it. But some things are better than flying across the galaxy. I've waited so long for us, and there is benefits to our happiness." Jane said, raising their clasped hands and kissed his knuckles. Kaidan hated to break their state of happiness but he needed to tell her something. He stopped walking and turned her to face him.

"Jane you need to promise me something," he asked.

"anything," Jane said confidently.

"If you ever think about harming yourself or you feel so empty that you end up in a dark place, promise me that you will talk to me." Kaidan said seriously.

"Kaidan—" Jane started

"No. Promise me Janie." Kaidan pleaded.

"I promise." She said. She reached up onto her toes to kiss him.

Kai watched from the kitchen window as Jane and Kaidan walked back across the yard hand in hand, with nothing but love in their eyes as they pointed out stars. Kai realized that her son was right, and that Jane deserved a chance to show who she really was. Kai went about setting the table for dinner when a scream caught her attention from outside. She ran out to the porch to find her son on the ground with Jane kneeling next to him.

"No, no, no…" Jane said as tears ran down her face. "Not you Kaidan, come on." She pleaded as she pressed her hand firmly against his chest. Kai turned on the lights outside to see the blood that was seeping through Kaidan's long sleeve shirt. Fear showed in her eyes. Kaidan's eyes were trained on Jane's face. He slowly reached a hand to her face and wheezed out a sentence to her.

"Please…. don't….. cry…." He asked her between short breaths and as his eyes began drooping. The short request only made her cry harder.

"I can't do this alone Kaidan, you have to stay awake. Tell me about your plans you made for our anniversary, you've been excited about them for weeks." Jane tried. Kai was busy on the phone with a doctor. An ambulance had been dispatched.

"Don't make….me….an anchor." Kaidan said. "Don't…. break yourself…." His eyes fought to stay open to keep looking at Jane's watery, sea-green eyes. Darkness won over, and he heard Jane's pleas for him to stay awake and to promise to stay with her.


	13. Moving On

**Author's Note: Hey everyone! So after this chapter I'm going to write one last chapter. I've been told that this story is starting to go downhill, and I've decided to start a new story with a different femshep pairing. So thanks to everyone who followed this story, and I hope you read more of my stories in the future. This is a ridiculously short chapter as a beginning to the end.**

Jane walked around the hospital furiously with two marines trailing behind her.

"I want the perpetrator caught and put to trial. Anything less than exceptional is inexcusable." Jane said in her commander voice. She did everything she could to keep herself busy and not worry about Kaidan. She was sitting at a table, hunched over a data pad, trying to sift through any information that would lead them to the shooter.

"You need… to relax," A deep voice said behind her as she felt a hand clamp down on her shoulder. Her eyes widened at the more than familiar voice. And turned around quickly in her chair. She jumped up and hugged Kaidan tightly.

"Easy there killer, I am sore and bandaged under these clothes." Kaidan said. Jane shyly withdrew her arms from around his waist, but Kaidan encircled her wrist and kissed her softly.

"Punctured lung, cut off my breathing. Lucky shot." Kaidan said. Jane was reminded of the shooter and started pacing again with the data pad in hand.

"It was supposed to be me, not you. The red dot was on MY chest and f you hadn't pushed me out of the way, you would have been fine…."

"AND YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD," Kaidan said angrily in hushed tones. "When is this going to end? This danger, this pain, this misery that we carry from day to day?" Kaidan said looking into her eyes.

"Our lives seem unreasonable, unreal, and, and, it seems impossible for us to get anywhere." Jane agreed.

"Maybe, maybe it's best if we just take a while to get our problems under wraps." Kaidan suggested. Hurt flashed across Jane's eyes. _Just another person leaving _Jane thought to herself.

"Well, I'll see you later," Jane said as she abruptly turned and fled the hospital.

"Jane wait!" Kaidan called, not able to chase after her because of his injury.

Kaidan felt a piece of his heart leaving out the door with Jane, but also a piece of normalcy coming back. This declaration had a sense of finality. It was the truth that they were done. Kaidan didn't hear any more of "Jane" except through the brief mentions of the heroics of Commander Shepard. He would keep one promise that he made to Jane during the war: He would move on if they were ever unable to be together. Moving on felt just as hopeless as when she was dead.


	14. Finale

**Author's Note: Like I said before the previous chapter, this will be my last chapter. Many of you have asked for the last chapter that was written to have just been a dream, but I can't do that. I do have a plan for what happens next, so near with me. Thanks for reading, and I hope you will read my new story that will be published soon.**

**One Year Later:**

"I'll be quick," Jane promised two of her friends that she made while teaching the N7 recruits. They decided to take a road trip around some of their old favorite places. Her decision was Vancouver. She couldn't help the draw she felt towards the place. The memories were of both good and bad, but still brought nostalgia. Jane wanted to stop in one last place before she left. She ran into the shop where Kaidan and herself used to stop for fresh fruit. Jane bought two huge paper bags full of peaches, apples, and other fruits. Jane walked out the door with the bags in her arms, barely able to see over the top of them. As soon as she took a step outside the door something hit her and the bags went flying.

"What the fuck!" Jane said as she rubbed her head and went to look at the person who ran into her.

"Sorry, sorry, I—Jane?" the voice said. Jane's eyes went wide at the voice.

"Kaidan?" She said. She recovered quickly and started picking up the fruit that tumbled out. He helped her and hoisted up the two bags.

"I was running and wasn't watching where I was going," Kaidan apologized.

"Your still living here?" Jane asked shyly.

"I've always stayed in a home that you could come back to," Kaidan said with sad eyes.

"Kaidan…" Jane started, reaching to take her bags.

"No Jane, you run out from fear of commitment, fear of love, and fear of life." Kaidan said.

"I know," Jane admitted. Kaidan was surprised at her admittance of her problems. "I've been talking to a therapist, even the Alliance allowed me to come back. I took a non-combatant role, by teaching as the head of the N7 program." Jane said. Kaidan was taken aback by the accomplishments that Jane was once again completing.

"Jane! Come on!" the girls yelled from the sky car down the road.

"friends?" Kaidan asked.

"Yeah, met them as instructors that I hired for the N7 program." Jane said.

"Do you want to catch lunch and catch up?" Kaidan asked.

"Well… I don't know…" Jane said indecisively.

"It's just talking," Kaidan tried to convince.

"There—there's something I actually have to tell you Kaidan. It's important. I was going to call you tomorrow about it. I've been talking to my therapist about it for a while now." Jane said, her voice suddenly sullen and full of loss.

"Let's go," Kaidan said, leading her towards a small café on the road. Jane sent a message to her friend and reluctantly followed him.

Jane sat down across from the table and started chewing at her lip.

"Old habits die hard, huh?" Kaidan said. Jane stopped mauling her lip and gave a small smile. "What did you need to tell me? And why didn't you call sooner?" Kaidan pleaded.

"It's hard for me to talk about,"Jane said, looking at her hands. Kaidan reached across the table and placed his hands over hers.

"It's ok, take your time," Kaidan said. Jane took a few seconds to gather herself.

"I was pregnant when I left Kaidan. Chakwas gave me a check up when you were shot because she was worried about my cybernetics. That's when I found out we were pregnant. " Jane paused, waiting for Kaidan's reaction. He was at a loss of words, and he shook his head in disbelief. Jane continued: "I went into contractions a few months back and…" Kaidan cut her off.

"I have a kid? And I haven't met them!" Kaidan said, getting angry until he saw Jane's face. A stray tear rolled down her cheek.

"I wasn't in labor, I had a miscarriage. It tore me apart and I almost went back to cutting…but I promised you. I promised I would tell you if I thought about doing it again. It's why I called you that night." Jane said. Kaidan remembered back to the night.

_Kaidan was asleep when the phone rang. He leaned over too look at the clock. 2 AM. What the hell, he thought to himself. He got up and answered the phone annoyed. _

"_Hello?" he asked annoyed._

"_I, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to keep my promise." Jane's voice said quietly over the phone. Her tone got Kaidan's attention. _

"_Are you ok Jane? What promise?" Kaidan asked. _

"_This was a mistake, I shouldn't have called." Jane said, starting to back track. _

"_Jane, it wasn't a mistake. If you never need to talk call me." Kaidan said. _

"_Thanks," Jane said before Kaidan heard a click from the phone call being disconnected. _

Kaidan was hurt that she remembered the promise and he didn't.

"But I convinced myself to get help. I wanted a life back. I got therapy, showed my progress to Hackette and got a job in the Alliance." Jane said.

"That's, well, that's great Jane." Kaidan said. Trying to process the events he was just told.

"I should be getting back soon," Jane prompted, starting to get up from the table.

"Stay." Kaidan requested. "Stay. Let's try again. Let's just try please." Kaidan said. "I don't think i had a grasp on what you were going through before, i didn't understand you. But it's different now." Kaidans said, stepping towards her.

"Why is it different?" Jane asked, her resolve wearing.

"Because you got help. The great commander shepard admitted that she needed help." Kaidan said, pushing a hair out of her face. Before Jane could make an objection, Kaidan kissed her fiercely.

"You make a convincing argument," Jane said laughing.

"I learned from the best," Kaidan said.

"Let's go home," Jane finally said, as she threaded her fingers through his and walked out of the restaurant. Both were completely oblivious to everything else... and to the fact that they forgot their fruit in the cafe.


End file.
